DATING | 10/2014
3 LIFELONG LESSONS Why Dating In LA Isn’t ON LOVE THAT ARE As Hard As It Seems in L.A. is so hard!” HELPING ME THRIVE “Dating I’ve heard this phrase over and over again from both women and men. AT 30 I’ve watched as they swipe through picture after picture in dating apps like So I am 30…it happened… and while writing my last article on love, life, and loss, I had no idea I was going to get a few more lessons on love before I actually turned 30…..
Ready, Set, Go...….No? Then PUMP THE BRAKES! Like any girl, I am a romantic and as much as you want that love at first sight moment, I have come to realize that things usually take some time. Everything is easy in the beginning. You are learning about each other and experiencing new things together. You wait for the day that some guy says “I want to do this in two months”, or is making plans for your future together. I think it is important for any girl to stop and ask herself, do I know enough about this person to be making plans for the future? At this point think – is this person going to be your partner in crime? If the answer is yes, then push yourself to be as loving and trusting as you can be. Not all humans have this infinite ability to trust, so if the answer is no, then PUMP THE BRAKES. Change Me? You can not change anyone. If someone is emotionally unavailable you can not change that. You have to be the best version of you. You can not avoid or try to replicate someone else’s relationship. There is a point where every girl thinks “I can change him”, but in reality, you can’t. The right kind of love will make you feel free and safe at the same time. It’s this type of love and relationship that will make you a better version of yourself. Love Me? You have to love yourself first... You never know what life is going to hand you, and you can’t expect anyone to be there when something does happen. I have dealt with breakups where I was left to pick up the pieces by myself, and I was okay with that. You realize what is important, and that is YOU. I wanted to be taken care of, but throughout my twenties but I chose a lot of men whose emotions came and went. I wish I had loved myself more then, but I learned to know exactly what I want and need at thirty. Love yourself first, and believe you deserve the guy you need. I’m still learning, every day, and that’s OK. So to every young girl – remember, life is full of surprises…some good, some bad and some that take your breath away. Jordyn Ashley Goodman latalkradio.com This is an edited version. The expanded article can be read at focusmag.us/jordyngoodman 22 FOCUS | O C T O B E R 2 0 1 4
Tinder, accepting and rejecting total strangers with scary ease. Actually, they sound much like me only a few short years ago. I was a disillusioned dater, too. I would drag myself to singles networking events in my uncomfortable heels, after a long day of work. I kept my head up in the Starbucks line instead of buried in my phone, just in case some attractive man piqued my interest. I even hosted my own speed dating events. Yet none of this worked. Sure, I got dates – lots of them – but no real relationships. I became hopelessly frustrated, desperately needing something in my life to change. So to help me find my elusive Mr. Right, I sat down and made a list of everything I wanted in a man. I started with the basics: great career, nice biceps, tall, dark hair, and a good sense of humor. Knowing what I was looking for should make it easier, right? Back out I went. Still there were more disappointing dates and flipping through yet more online profiles. So my list grew longer. I wanted him to be an avid hiker, a Democrat, a nonsmoker, never married and no kids, between 30 and 40, prefer wine to beer, and I didn’t want a guy that spent weekends watching sports. I thought if I visualized exactly what I wanted in my Mr. Right he would appear – the man of my lists and dreams. I didn’t think about my own negative traits and emotional baggage. I just wanted him to be baggage-free and perfect for me. But after all my failed attempts to “find” him I finally figured it out – that is not how dating works. It is not a reward you get for the hours you clock on online dating sites, or an endless procession of awkward first dates until you meet Mr. Right. Dating is a process, a thoughtful, gradual unfolding of deeper awareness in each of us. Through each date we go on, we learn something new about ourselves. When we stop looking at dating as a goal we can start to have more fun. When we enjoy ourselves, even if we’re not on a date sitting across the table from Mr. Right, we are that much closer to understanding what we want. And more importantly, how we want to feel. All those dates taught me that my goals and lists and preconceptions had closed me off to new experiences, to new people and relationships. As a result some pretty awesome guys I dated never gave me a chance either. My expectations were dating his expectations! When I met my future husband, he wasn’t at all the man on my wish list but I wanted to spend time with him and see where our relationship would lead. I put my lists away and just experienced what it was like to simply be with him. And I liked it. A lot. In many ways I consider myself lucky that I had all those bad dates. They allowed me to open my eyes to the person sitting in front of me, who wasn’t the person I’d envisioned. Instead he offered me all the things I didn’t think to include on that list but were the only things that mattered – kindness, respect, and love. So, the next time you lament about dating in L.A., remember: it is a gradual process. Thoughtful dating helps you to break down those barriers inside of you. It helps you see people in a new light. It surprises you when you least expect it. Most importantly, it helps us to connect with each other. Isn’t that the goal?
Kelly Seal kellyseal.com @kellyseal